Where was the Third Party Representation?

The first presidential debate left many viewers disappointed as their preferred candidate did not show. As a poll by Quinnypack shows, an overwhelming majority of viewers tuned in at 9 p.m. ET to see God walk out on stage, but hopes were crushed when a third podium was not present. Henry Weimer says "At first I thought it would be an exciting surprise entrance... a big show, but as the debate went on, my hopes faded," as did many others'. Many expected God to open a fiery chasm below the candidates, or simply make them cease to exist, but no such thing occurred. Both Republicans and Democrats alike equally expressed a desire to see God. Another third-party candidate, demon god Cthulhu, says he hopes to capitalize on this by increasing his publicity campaign to even out the odds between him and God. The current polls clearly show that this country does not believe in God's plan. However, hopes remain alive for God's appearance at future debates. Some even say that God may not physically make an appearance, much like his appearance at the 9/11 memorial which caused Hillary to be escorted off the premise due to a reaction to the presence of God. Some believe that God did make an appearance at the debate in the form of Jill Stien, but was quickly removed by security. And so, the question remains, where is God in this presidential election?

Tinyest Debate

The United States is getting pumped up for the first presidential debate...or maybe not. A recent interview revealed one statistic that may come as a shock to many. HGTV's Tiny House Hunters is predicted to have more viewers than the Presidential Debate! One would think that such a pivotal moment in the election season would trump a search for small living spaces. Our interviewer, who has asked to remain anonymous, spoke to each of the main candidates how they felt regarding this fact. Republican candidate Donald Trump said "This is going to be [huge]. Every American in the nation needs to tune in to watch, and everyone else needs to be deported". 

"[Huge]"

Gary Johnson, on the other hand, said "Global warming is a main factor in the drop in viewers. Americans are rightly concerned that television broadcasts melt the polar ice caps and will kill the polar bears". It is predicted that approximately 73 people are expected to be watching the debate versus a whopping 112 viewers for Tiny House Hunters. Bill Vanistis, a Vermont middle school teacher and avid Tiny House Hunters viewer, claims that she simply doesn't have room in her house to watch the presidential debate, the only show small enough to watch on her TV is Tiny House Hunters.

Clinton Chases Unknown Demographic

This may be some old news, but with polls tightening, the information is more important now than ever before. Hillary Clinton gave a speech in February discussing her disbelief in Republican's ability to blatantly lie. The speech ended with the former Secretary of State poorly replicating a dog's bark. Many, both Republican and Democratic alike, looked upon this act as one of here biggest mistakes, her ranting about nonsense which caused her to look foolish in the public eye. That belief was held until a recent study found the true reasons behind her seemingly nonsensical barking... the unknown demographic.

Two months after this speech was given, a research was conducted at the Taurus Excretum College of MultiCommunications in which the speech was dissected in search of meaning. The cause for the search was that they believed that no public figure with a national, nay! international reputation to uphold would have acted in such a foolish manner without some sort of political gain involved. The study reported its final findings this past Thursday with these results. Hillary Clinton barked on purpose! It turns out that her "arh, arh! arh! arh!" has a deeper meaning than most human would initially perceive. The college thought to translate these barks from "doganese" into English. Their initial attempts to translate the barks bore no fruit, until they realized that Hillary Clinton had learned "doganese" in Chicago. This means they had to adjust their translation for the Chicago dialect of the language. Once translated, the barks bore a clear and frightening message. In English, the barks most nearly mean

 "Dogs of America, your votes matter. In past years, Americans have neglected the power of your vote. I am here to bring you back to having your [voices] heard on the national scale, in choosing your own alpha (president). Do your part in democracy and I will put the power in your hands! arh!" (the final "arh!" was actually just an imitation of a dog's bark).

After this was discovered, the college consulted the constitution to clarify whether dogs did indeed have the right to vote. It turns out in Amendment XV, Section I, there is an asterisk which leads to a footnote which states that all dogs born within the United States, whose owners are also U.S. citizens are given the right to vote. So why didn't Clinton defend herself and explain what she was doing? Simply put, Donald Trump is unaware of dog's capability to cast votes. With the current polls, Clinton is predicted to have 68% of the canine vote, while Trump carries only 26%. Hillary believes that if Trump becomes aware of this demographic, Trump will begin to target them and balance the polls.

You might be thinking that this report can't be true, otherwise, mainstream news networks will also report it. But think of this, which is more fun to watch, a close race or a blowout? The news networks are all about ratings and if they report the actual poll numbers, it will be revealed that Hillary seemingly has the election in the bag, carrying 59% and Trump a mere 32%. Believe it or not, the facts are out.